The Ever-Changing Goal

My "goal in life" changes a lot. I get that I'm young, so it's expected to do that, but it's still off-putting. It's my own fault, too. Back when I was (what I believe to be) depressed, I began planning everything. I thought I knew how my life was going to turn out. I was going to grow up, meet a guy right out of college, fall in love, have a kid, and be the successful American dream woman, balancing my home and career. Once I snapped out of it (rather, once I moved in with my mother and got away from the source of my depression), I realized that none of that really makes sense.

Why the hell did I try to plan my life out? Who knows when I'll meet the love of my life? I mean, I could've met him already and not even know it! Besides that, I don't even want children. What kind of awful crack was I on?

At that point in my life, I'd decided I wanted to be a high school history teacher, just like my uncle. I figured I liked history, and all my favorite teachers reminded me of me, so why not? There were lots of reasons not. If I didn't like learning to standardized tests, why did I think I would enjoy teaching to those same standardized tests? I have issues with authority figures even when I agree with them. That situation wouldn't have ended well at all.

The issue with realizing that I was in a really bad place back then and wasn't thinking straight is that now I know that I, you know, don't know anything. I know I don't want kids, but that's about it. I get that I'm a selfish human being who doesn't want to set her career back, and I know that I want to fall in love. That's just about the extent of my knowledge of myself. Not even kidding.

I take career suggestion tests all the time because I have no clue what I want to do with my life. Actually, that's not true- I have clues. Lots and lots of clues. A veritable ocean of clues. In all honesty, there are more fields I'm interested in than there are followers of this blog (not saying a whole lot, but you get the message).

"You should work with computers." A lot of people suggest that. My step-dad told me I should do something where I can "analyze the shit outta something." I agree whole-heartedly. My Mimi wants me to go into a field in which I can use my knowledge to the best of my ability. She wants me to be a doctor. Doesn't matter that I hate biology and can't stand studying cells- she's convinced I should be a doctor and find the cure for cancer.

I kinda want to do something involving law enforcement. I like the idea of catching the bad guy. I've looked into jobs where I could analyze things like JT suggested, and it seems like criminal psychology would be a good bet for me. I don't like the idea of saying, "I want to do this!" because it seems whenever I become certain of something, I lose interest or it floats away.

Slightly philosophical blog posts FTW?

I'd love comments on if you know what you want to be "when you grow up," even if you're an adult. I love asking these kinds of questions. One time I asked an attorney and he said he wanted to grow up and be the Grinch. (He was kinda strange.)