This was written the day before yesterday, just for reference.
1. I almost committed manslaughter, or something. I was negligent as hell.
Today, my brother could've killed or injured himself or someone else, and it would've been entirely my fault. I was watching Doctor Who with him in the living room during "nap time," and he wandered off. I assumed he was either watching videos with my sisters in the parlor or playing with my brothers upstairs. He wasn't; he'd gone outside, gotten into the locked shed, retrieved his gun, and gone down to the creek (it's generous calling it that- we're in a rather suburban area). He's eight. Maybe nine. I'm not entirely sure.
Of course, I didn't know that, or I'd have pitched a fit and dragged his ass inside. No, I sat on my lazy ass watching Doctor Who (mreow, David Tennant) instead of thinking to confirm his location.
Needless to say, when my mother got home and couldn't find him, I freaked. Five minutes into our realization that he was missing, he wandered up onto the patio wearing no pants or underwear, his shirt pulled down to cover his pre-pubescent junk.
"What happened to your pants?" Mother asked.
He replied, "I pood in them."
[I am reminded of the scene from Lo when Jeez says, "You look like a small child who just proudly shat his pants."]
We thought that was the end of that. But no.
Later, it became known that my step-dad's keys were missing. We searched and searched, and we found them under the van- if my Mother had gone off with the van instead of wanting to use my step-dad's Mustang (for which I don't blame her), those keys would've been gone.
I'm not sure of the details, but they found the gun- down by the creek, or under the van, or inside the shed amongst broken shit, or something- and put the pieces of the puzzle together. They asked my brother about it and he broke down, sobbing about how nobody loved him.
I almost hyperventilated on the couch when I realized that I could've been the indirect cause of a death or serious injury at the hands of my little brother. That fucker doesn't know how to use a gun properly; I don't know why the hell he has one, even if he's only supposed to use it under adult supervision.
2. I was reminded of my friend who killed herself in May.
My friend Mindy was a beautiful person. She was very reminiscent of Buttercup, if you remember the Powerpuff Girls. She was Asian. She cheated off of me in AP US History. She had a girlfriend.
I don't want to write about the details, but she killed herself in May. It was horrible. I didn't go to the funeral, but there was no escaping the truth. No denial. She's missed dearly, and I don't believe in a heaven, but if I did, I'd take solace in the fact that she could see how much we love her.
All this Chik-Fil-A bullshit is bringing forth a lot of posts by/about gays and lesbians on sites I frequent (read: reddit, reddit, and reddit). I know it sounds shallow, but every time I see something with a little Asian girl or a lesbian (or, goodness forbid, both, my poor heart), I think of Mindy immediately. I think of her on other occasions, too, but this has been particularly relevant lately.
I cried today.
3. No matter what, there's an entire universe to be explored.
But no matter what accidents I cause here or what grief I experience, there's a whole universe- maybe several, but that's getting ahead of the game a bit- waiting to be explored. I've lost someone dear to me, and it hurts like hell, but I have Mars to look forward to, for starters.
This knowledge doesn't make me miss Mindy any less. I'm not expecting to find her. I know that won't happen, and I know that space exploration wouldn't fill the void she left behind.
It's just that every time I get sad, I think of what's out there. What's waiting for me. For us.
About the Author
- Artemis.
- One of those crazy teen blogger types. Completely bribe-able with coffee. An INTP.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Relationship Types I've Observed
Better as Friends
Example: Bad Boy and I, Hammy and Ember
Description: One of the two is romantically interested in the other. The other is flattered by the attention- so flattered, in fact, that he or she begins to return the feelings. They date, but one or the other eventually realized they were only in it for the feelings they were getting out of it and that the two would be better off friends.
How long does it last? Three weeks to a month.
Only There for the Title
Example: Drummer and I, Bad Boy and Ember
Description: At least one of the two parties involved is in it only for the title of Boyfriend or Girlfriend. They don't find the other person irresistible; they just really want to be in a relationship, and it doesn't necessarily matter with whom. Eventually one or both parties realize that the whole thing is pretty much a sham devoid of any actual emotional involvement.
How long does it last? One to two weeks.
Potential for Sexytimes?
Example: Donkey and Ember, Whiny Bitch and I
Description: One party is emotionally involved while the other is simply looking for someone to easily manipulate into sex. It isn't always the male looking for sexytimes, but I have yet to see a female in that position (perhaps I'm just too young for my social group to have that happen yet). Generally the emotionally involved party ends up heartbroken regardless of if they give in or not (you'll be glad to hear that neither Ember nor I gave in).
How long does it last? It really depends on how long it takes for the sexytimes-craving party to make it clear that's what he or she is there for. A couple of weeks, maximum.
Stuck in Tar
Example: Xeno and HipsterGurl
Description: Both parties are emotionally involved in the start. Seems healthy, right? Then one party starts getting jealous of the other person's friends. That party is hurt when the other person doesn't talk on the phone for two hours a night. That party is jealous when the other person spends time with people other than mutual friends, and even with mutual friends if that's without the jealousy-prone party. The jealous party becomes an emotional wreck, telling the other person that this relationship is his or her life and that life would be meaningless without it and that this has been the only thing keeping that person sane. The non-jealousy-prone party is scared, and it takes him or her months to work up the nerve to break it off. Even after the breakup, the jealousy-prone party will pretend inside his or her head that the two are still in a relationship, much to the chagrin of every other fucking person around him or her.
How long does it last? Six to twelve months, depending on the level of clinginess and the severity of the threats of what will happen should the relationship end.
Who Are You?
Example: Guillermo and Crazy Bitch, Whiny Bitch and I
Description: These two don't know each other very well when they start dating. They weren't friends for a while first- maybe they met through a mutual friend, maybe they met at a party, but they haven't known each other for more than a few days when one asks the other out. Sometimes they hit it off and all is well, but other times one party or the other realizes what kind of crazy they're dealing with.
How long does it last? Two weeks to two months, depending on the level of crazy.
Forever Fighting
Example: The Calculus Couple
Description: These two never stop fucking fighting and nagging at each other. "Babe, how could you mess that up?" "Ugh, your hair is getting too long." "That wasn't rude, it was perfectly justified." It doesn't look that bad as text, but when it's said with the level of exasperated disdain these two manage, and when it's this constant (to the point that when someone asks a friend of the two where they are, that friend replies with "Off somewhere arguing about some stupid bullshit, I'm sure.") it's emotionally scarring even for those not in the relationship but simply in its general proximity.
How long does it last? If the two don't realize what's going on, upwards of a year.
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Well, that does it for now. No comment on the shape of mine and Kirby's relationship- it's going well, and I don't want to give that shit a description or a timeframe. That would just be depressing, you know?
Looking back at the examples and seeing how many of them include me makes this feel like the Taylor Swift song of blog posts.
Anyways, what kind of relationships have you been in, readers? Do you have any suggestions for additional types or subtypes? Reply with a comment!
Example: Bad Boy and I, Hammy and Ember
Description: One of the two is romantically interested in the other. The other is flattered by the attention- so flattered, in fact, that he or she begins to return the feelings. They date, but one or the other eventually realized they were only in it for the feelings they were getting out of it and that the two would be better off friends.
How long does it last? Three weeks to a month.
Only There for the Title
Example: Drummer and I, Bad Boy and Ember
Description: At least one of the two parties involved is in it only for the title of Boyfriend or Girlfriend. They don't find the other person irresistible; they just really want to be in a relationship, and it doesn't necessarily matter with whom. Eventually one or both parties realize that the whole thing is pretty much a sham devoid of any actual emotional involvement.
How long does it last? One to two weeks.
Potential for Sexytimes?
Example: Donkey and Ember, Whiny Bitch and I
Description: One party is emotionally involved while the other is simply looking for someone to easily manipulate into sex. It isn't always the male looking for sexytimes, but I have yet to see a female in that position (perhaps I'm just too young for my social group to have that happen yet). Generally the emotionally involved party ends up heartbroken regardless of if they give in or not (you'll be glad to hear that neither Ember nor I gave in).
How long does it last? It really depends on how long it takes for the sexytimes-craving party to make it clear that's what he or she is there for. A couple of weeks, maximum.
Stuck in Tar
Example: Xeno and HipsterGurl
Description: Both parties are emotionally involved in the start. Seems healthy, right? Then one party starts getting jealous of the other person's friends. That party is hurt when the other person doesn't talk on the phone for two hours a night. That party is jealous when the other person spends time with people other than mutual friends, and even with mutual friends if that's without the jealousy-prone party. The jealous party becomes an emotional wreck, telling the other person that this relationship is his or her life and that life would be meaningless without it and that this has been the only thing keeping that person sane. The non-jealousy-prone party is scared, and it takes him or her months to work up the nerve to break it off. Even after the breakup, the jealousy-prone party will pretend inside his or her head that the two are still in a relationship, much to the chagrin of every other fucking person around him or her.
How long does it last? Six to twelve months, depending on the level of clinginess and the severity of the threats of what will happen should the relationship end.
Who Are You?
Example: Guillermo and Crazy Bitch, Whiny Bitch and I
Description: These two don't know each other very well when they start dating. They weren't friends for a while first- maybe they met through a mutual friend, maybe they met at a party, but they haven't known each other for more than a few days when one asks the other out. Sometimes they hit it off and all is well, but other times one party or the other realizes what kind of crazy they're dealing with.
How long does it last? Two weeks to two months, depending on the level of crazy.
Forever Fighting
Example: The Calculus Couple
Description: These two never stop fucking fighting and nagging at each other. "Babe, how could you mess that up?" "Ugh, your hair is getting too long." "That wasn't rude, it was perfectly justified." It doesn't look that bad as text, but when it's said with the level of exasperated disdain these two manage, and when it's this constant (to the point that when someone asks a friend of the two where they are, that friend replies with "Off somewhere arguing about some stupid bullshit, I'm sure.") it's emotionally scarring even for those not in the relationship but simply in its general proximity.
How long does it last? If the two don't realize what's going on, upwards of a year.
-------
Well, that does it for now. No comment on the shape of mine and Kirby's relationship- it's going well, and I don't want to give that shit a description or a timeframe. That would just be depressing, you know?
Looking back at the examples and seeing how many of them include me makes this feel like the Taylor Swift song of blog posts.
Anyways, what kind of relationships have you been in, readers? Do you have any suggestions for additional types or subtypes? Reply with a comment!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Rationalist Manifesto
In my AP European History class, we recently read Marx's Communist Manifesto and the class had an informal discussion about why real-world applications of communism tend to do poorly even though the concept looks and sounds brilliant. We came to the conclusion that it's due to the human element.
I've been longing for a rationalist society in which every major decision would be based in logic, not in tradition or anything like that (tradition could be integrated in a "Most people will agree that the tradition of having weekends off is worth keeping" kind of way). Of course, I realize that nobody can be entirely rational 100% of the time and that many people can barely be entirely rational 25% of the time.
And so I wrote this- the Rationalist Manifesto- during English class instead of reading about Herman Melville (which reminds me, when I finish typing this up, I really must start reading Moby Dick). I post it here for you with no changes (not even where I questioned my word choice while re-reading it). Enjoy.
I do not know what kind of person I am. I thirst for knowledge and for change- for revolution- yet I know not how to even approach such a thing. Who must I call to make the rich treat the poor with common decency? To whom do I have to send a letter- and on what kind of letterhead- to get religion out of politics?
I want society to change for the better, even if (perhaps especially if) this change must be gradual. I want rationality, critical thinking, and the desire to learn to be cherished above all else. What will it take?
Many others have tried before me to create a fresh society comprised entirely of rational beings, and it seems the consistent problem of such groups has been the human element. You can witness this even in small, unorganized, friendly groups of intellectuals: someone becomes upset and the entire group becomes absurdly and violently reactionary. If it is too much to expect even a small, (presumably) carefully selected group of people to work, live, laugh, and love in a consistently rational environment, one cannot possibly expect the same of an entire city, state, country, continent, hemisphere, or planet. No world is perfect, after all. Unfortunate, but true.
So I admit that a solely rational world is not feasible. Anyone who thinks otherwise is overestimating humanity. (I've been there; I'm not judging. Really and truthfully, one's thoughts and actions must be fairly laudable in order to expect so much of others. Laudable in their rationality, of course, not necessarily in their morality.) So we cannot expect that, and it is important that we remember this.
But one can dream- oh, one can dream.
Drop a comment below with your thoughts on the possibility or impossibility of a rational society.
I've been longing for a rationalist society in which every major decision would be based in logic, not in tradition or anything like that (tradition could be integrated in a "Most people will agree that the tradition of having weekends off is worth keeping" kind of way). Of course, I realize that nobody can be entirely rational 100% of the time and that many people can barely be entirely rational 25% of the time.
And so I wrote this- the Rationalist Manifesto- during English class instead of reading about Herman Melville (which reminds me, when I finish typing this up, I really must start reading Moby Dick). I post it here for you with no changes (not even where I questioned my word choice while re-reading it). Enjoy.
I do not know what kind of person I am. I thirst for knowledge and for change- for revolution- yet I know not how to even approach such a thing. Who must I call to make the rich treat the poor with common decency? To whom do I have to send a letter- and on what kind of letterhead- to get religion out of politics?
I want society to change for the better, even if (perhaps especially if) this change must be gradual. I want rationality, critical thinking, and the desire to learn to be cherished above all else. What will it take?
Many others have tried before me to create a fresh society comprised entirely of rational beings, and it seems the consistent problem of such groups has been the human element. You can witness this even in small, unorganized, friendly groups of intellectuals: someone becomes upset and the entire group becomes absurdly and violently reactionary. If it is too much to expect even a small, (presumably) carefully selected group of people to work, live, laugh, and love in a consistently rational environment, one cannot possibly expect the same of an entire city, state, country, continent, hemisphere, or planet. No world is perfect, after all. Unfortunate, but true.
So I admit that a solely rational world is not feasible. Anyone who thinks otherwise is overestimating humanity. (I've been there; I'm not judging. Really and truthfully, one's thoughts and actions must be fairly laudable in order to expect so much of others. Laudable in their rationality, of course, not necessarily in their morality.) So we cannot expect that, and it is important that we remember this.
But one can dream- oh, one can dream.
Drop a comment below with your thoughts on the possibility or impossibility of a rational society.
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