Relationship Types I've Observed

Better as Friends


Example: Bad Boy and I, Hammy and Ember


Description: One of the two is romantically interested in the other. The other is flattered by the attention- so flattered, in fact, that he or she begins to return the feelings. They date, but one or the other eventually realized they were only in it for the feelings they were getting out of it and that the two would be better off friends.

How long does it last? Three weeks to a month.

Only There for the Title


Example: Drummer and I, Bad Boy and Ember

Description: At least one of the two parties involved is in it only for the title of Boyfriend or Girlfriend. They don't find the other person irresistible; they just really want to be in a relationship, and it doesn't necessarily matter with whom. Eventually one or both parties realize that the whole thing is pretty much a sham devoid of any actual emotional involvement.

How long does it last? One to two weeks.

Potential for Sexytimes?


Example: Donkey and Ember, Whiny Bitch and I

Description: One party is emotionally involved while the other is simply looking for someone to easily manipulate into sex. It isn't always the male looking for sexytimes, but I have yet to see a female in that position (perhaps I'm just too young for my social group to have that happen yet). Generally the emotionally involved party ends up heartbroken regardless of if they give in or not (you'll be glad to hear that neither Ember nor I gave in).

How long does it last? It really depends on how long it takes for the sexytimes-craving party to make it clear that's what he or she is there for. A couple of weeks, maximum.

Stuck in Tar


Example: Xeno and HipsterGurl

Description: Both parties are emotionally involved in the start. Seems healthy, right? Then one party starts getting jealous of the other person's friends. That party is hurt when the other person doesn't talk on the phone for two hours a night. That party is jealous when the other person spends time with people other than mutual friends, and even with mutual friends if that's without the jealousy-prone party. The jealous party becomes an emotional wreck, telling the other person that this relationship is his or her life and that life would be meaningless without it and that this has been the only thing keeping that person sane. The non-jealousy-prone party is scared, and it takes him or her months to work up the nerve to break it off. Even after the breakup, the jealousy-prone party will pretend inside his or her head that the two are still in a relationship, much to the chagrin of every other fucking person around him or her.

How long does it last? Six to twelve months, depending on the level of clinginess and the severity of the threats of what will happen should the relationship end.

Who Are You?


Example: Guillermo and Crazy Bitch, Whiny Bitch and I

Description: These two don't know each other very well when they start dating. They weren't friends for a while first- maybe they met through a mutual friend, maybe they met at a party, but they haven't known each other for more than a few days when one asks the other out. Sometimes they hit it off and all is well, but other times one party or the other realizes what kind of crazy they're dealing with.

How long does it last? Two weeks to two months, depending on the level of crazy.

Forever Fighting


Example: The Calculus Couple

Description: These two never stop fucking fighting and nagging at each other. "Babe, how could you mess that up?" "Ugh, your hair is getting too long." "That wasn't rude, it was perfectly justified." It doesn't look that bad as text, but when it's said with the level of exasperated disdain these two manage, and when it's this constant (to the point that when someone asks a friend of the two where they are, that friend replies with "Off somewhere arguing about some stupid bullshit, I'm sure.") it's emotionally scarring even for those not in the relationship but simply in its general proximity.

How long does it last? If the two don't realize what's going on, upwards of a year.

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Well, that does it for now. No comment on the shape of mine and Kirby's relationship- it's going well, and I don't want to give that shit a description or a timeframe. That would just be depressing, you know?

Looking back at the examples and seeing how many of them include me makes this feel like the Taylor Swift song of blog posts.

Anyways, what kind of relationships have you been in, readers? Do you have any suggestions for additional types or subtypes? Reply with a comment!