Level Up!

The nerdy guy I've been pining for the last few posts? Yeah, he asked me out. It was kind of adorable, really. We do this thing- it's sort of like a game- where when the conversation begins to wane, we'll ask each other questions. The questions asked range from "Favorite ice cream flavor?" to "Koopa Troopa or Diddy Kong?" to "If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?" to "Which do you value more, intelligence or sense of humor?"

We'd had a bit of an, er, "exchange" earlier in which he called me pretty, so one of the questions I asked was, "Do you actually think I'm pretty?" He answered yes. My next few questions were fairly arbitrary. I told him it was his turn to ask questions. His first question was one he'd already asked in the past (ice cream flavor).

Then, he asked what I would say if he were to ask me out on a date (hypothetically speaking). I told him I'd say yes, "hypothetically speaking," of course. Then he asked me out (realistically speaking, that time). And I said yes.

And then we spoke of flan.

Ten Reasons My Friend Xeno Kicks Ass

Well, I have this friend. His name is Grayson, but I don't allow anyone to call him that. If you meet him, you have to call him Xeno, otherwise I may or may not crucify him. He and I have only seen each other in real life a few times, and have only had one physical conversation, but we're pretty tight online. Thank you, Facebook. A few moments ago, I told Xeno to give me something to blog about. He told me to write about my badass eighth grade friend who can't spell for shit. I told him I'd get right on that.

1. He's a criminal mastermind.  
Xeno is what most people would call unethical or immoral. He prefers other words, like "commie" and "awesome," but I know the truth. All this means he has a black hole where his heart should be. In a good way.

2. He's freakin' hilarious.
This Xeno guy makes me laugh. Really hard. In the face. He and I have exactly three metric shit-tons of inside jokes, and the end is anything but near. Honestly, if Xeno were a comedian, he would... okay, so maybe he wouldn't be too successful, but I'd totally download illegal versions of his albums from the Pirate Bay. (I joke! I would never do such a thing! Heh.)

3. He doesn't make fun of my Britishisms.
He really can't make fun of my British spellings and slang, otherwise he'd be a complete and utter hypocrite, but I still appreciate that he doesn't insist on American word usage. It gets irritating when I'm innocently (or not-incredibly-innocently, if you count certain conversations I've had) chatting away on Facebook and someone nails me with a "You spelled that wrong! It's 'organize,' not 'organise!'" and I have to point out that they are, in fact, a cultural jackass.


4. He's open about himself. 
Almost scarily so. Xeno is not afraid to tell anyone certain things about himself (or so it seems to me, the chick who hides with her secrets in the shadows of the alleyways off the streets of society). Since we first spoke (or, rather, typed) with each other, he has told me many things that, if I were him, I would have kept under lock and key.


5. He doesn't tell me to eat meat.
Not once has Xeno told me that I "have to" eat meat. This is quite the feat, as most people are constantly telling me that there's no way I'm getting enough protein without ingesting flesh (despite the fact that I actually get more protein than your average fleshy, or meat-eater, most of the time). Xeno honestly just doesn't give a shit what I eat.

6. He gave me a present.
He's threatened to give me a number of gifts (a machete, a vibrator, and the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, to name a few), but a few days ago Xeno actually went through with it! I am now the proud owner of a pocketknife. It has a little scissor thingy that amuses me to no end. That is all on this topic.


7. He lets me ramble.
Most people give me about thirty seconds to ramble and then decide to cut me short with an "Artemis, get to the damn point already." Not Xeno. Today he actually encouraged me to tell him a story about my cats. Encouraged! The fact that Xeno allows me to ramble without cutting me off makes me enormously happy.


8. He uses proper grammar.
Most of the time, that is. Xeno also has this tendency to use proper capitalisation, something almost unheard of here on the internets. I have a feeling that if he didn't suck at typing, he would probably spell things correctly as well. As it is, he frequently makes typos and has been known to say such things as, "Fuck typing."


9. He understands the word "privacy."
Xeno gets that some people don't share everything. There are even a few things about Xeno that I don't know. There are (for sure) a lot of things about me that Xeno doesn't know, and unlike some people (ahem, I'm talking to you, Pretty Princess), he doesn't demand that I inform him of my every little thing. Granted, I usually bitch to him about most things anyways, but it's nice to know that he understands secrecy.


10. He makes awesome cookies.
I'm not even kidding. Xeno is the Queen of Baked Goods. I swear to God, he must put, like, unicorn blood and magic in his cookies. And crushed sleeping pills, because after I ate about twelve the other day, I was exhausted. Those chocolate chip cookies are definitely in my list of the top ten tastiest things I've ever eaten.


Those are the ten (main) reasons my friend Xeno kicks ass, even though he's a muffinfucking jackwagon communist who deserves to burn in Hell.

Google vs. Yahoo!

In order to cash in a little on the Google vs. Yahoo! search war, as well as (hopefully) entertain myself and the masses, I'm showing you some search suggestions. What I typed is in bold, the italicized is Google, and the normal text is from Yahoo! The winner will be declared in bold on the line below the 'battle.'

Bella Swan is a Mary Sue a mary sue
Tie


(Overtime: Bella Swan is pathetic played by)
Google

Harry Potter is better than Twilight evil
Google

Omegle conversations omega
Google

Diet plans pills
Google


How to get pregnant rich
Yahoo!

I like turtles to move it
Google

and the finals...

Bo Burnham Bice
Google

So, Google kicks Yahoo!'s arse 6-1.

BOOM.

Omegle Chat (2:55 AM)

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: damn that bitch was a whore

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Omegle Chat (2:53 AM)

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: im looking for a man to bend me over and treat me like a little slut

You: damn that bitch was a whore

You: wow.

Omegle Chat (2:52 AM)

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: damn that bitch was a whore

Stranger: i completely agree

You: i know!

You: such a bitch...

Stranger: did she fuck someone else?

Stranger: did the bitch fucking cheat on you?

You: no, it was the last person i talked to on omegle. fucking told me stop cussing.

Stranger: wow, what a cunt

You: i know! i mean, fuckin hell?

Stranger: exactly

Stranger: later homo

The Government Will Catch You Eventually, You Dumbass Terrorist

To slip through the only check against the no-fly list, the terrorist uses a stolen credit card to buy a ticket under a fake name. “Then you print a fake boarding pass with your real name on it and go to the airport. You give your real ID, and the fake boarding pass with your real name on it, to security. They’re checking the documents against each other. They’re not checking your name against the no-fly list—that was done on the airline’s computers. Once you’re through security, you rip up the fake boarding pass, and use the real boarding pass that has the name from the stolen credit card. Then you board the plane, because they’re not checking your name against your ID at boarding.”

What if you don’t know how to steal a credit card?

“Then you’re a stupid terrorist and the government will catch you,” he said.

What if you don’t know how to download a PDF of an actual boarding pass and alter it on a home computer?

“Then you’re a stupid terrorist and the government will catch you.”

The Truth

I believe the truth always lies halfway between the two most extreme claims. Sometimes, though, others have different opinions. Cartoon courtesy of XKCD. No, I can't promise this will be the last time I quote his hilarity.

Poll!

AAAHHH! How could I forget to mention that there's a new poll?

Well, there's a new poll. It's up until the end of this month. That means it's limited edition or some such thing. Which makes it important. (?)

Anyways, you should vote (if only because I included the Cedric option, and I like to see Twilight get a nice ass-whoopin').

Sudo vote. (All you hardcore XKCD fans should get a kick out of that one.)

Nuke is a Four-Letter Word

I have finally realized why the cookbook my grandmother gave me (peta's Vegan College Cookbook) entertains me so much more than the cookbook my stepmother gave me (Ok, So Now You're a Vegetarian). First off, peta's has much more of a 'hey, check this shit out!' feel, and tells jokes all the time. Ok, ... doesn't, and has this weird feel to it... I mean, look at the title. It's a bad title. I don't like it. And the part under it, 'from one teen to another,' just makes me want to hurl. People my age don't call each other 'teens.'

We call each other other names. Ones I'm not sure I should say ;)

Anyways, the reason is that- all right, I just noticed something else. The author of the second one? Her last name is Butts. Why would I want to eat food from recipes created with the last name Butts? Moving on.

The peta cookbook uses the word 'nuke' more than half the time to replace the traditional word, 'microwave.' As in, "nuke for 1 minute, or until cheese is melted." That word never fails to amuse me. Nuke, nuke, nukity nuke.

F-ing Hilarious Joke

No, seriously. One of my friends told me. Here it is:

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she says, "will God get mad at me if I give someone a valentine?"

Her father thinks for a moment, then replies. "No, I don't think he would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why him?" Melissa's father says, reeling back in shock.

"Well," Melissa says, "I thought if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, then he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved him and how he didn't hate anyone any more."

Her father's heart swells as he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard someone say."

"I know," Melissa says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can shoot the fucker and really kill him."

Top Ten News Moments of 2009

5. Tiger Woods is a cheating bastard
4. Barack Obama accepts Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing
3. Farrah Fawcett dies
2. Michael Jackson dies

And the biggest news story of 2009... is...

1. So, wait... MJ didn't do it?!

Holy Son of a Biscuit!

 Santa's coming tonight, and he's bringing a bunch of crap presents with him! (Can I get a w00t, w00t!?) Have you been naughty or nice? ;)

I saw an old- no, ancient- Asian-looking woman in Publix today. She was wearing a bright green tee that said (in red letters adorned with mistletoe along the edges), "How naughty do you think I've been this year?"

I giggled and pointed this out to my grandmother. She leaned in and whispered, "Not very, I'd guess, with that hip replacement."

Sneaking Out

Last night, my friend Rachel and I snuck out (well, it's not really sneaking out if it's only, like, five- or eight). So, where did we go?

A) Michael's Craft Store

B) Staples

C) Walgreens

D) All of the above

Yes, we went to Michael's, Staples, and Walgreens.

We bought a bunch of candles, some lavender oil, and two 2010 calendars (hers was puppies, mine was M&Ms!) at Michael's, two composition notebooks that looked like Ravenclaw (for me) and Gryffindor (for her) colors at Staples, and two Cokes and two Snickers bars at the Walgreens.

The guy behind the counter at Walgreens was like, "Oh, are you two going to a movie tonight? Sneakin' in candy and Cokes?"

Instead of telling him the truth, I just nodded- which, apparently, confused Rachel. Oi! Don't hit me, Ray! Fine, fine, it made all the sense in the world to her. <--- Lies!

Funny Letter from a Housewife to Tide

Found this on the How Not to Act Old blog and, though it says not to, couldn't resist posting it up. Actually, it doesn't say anything about posting it on your blog, just emailing it around ;)

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my forties I find it even better!

About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were inconclusive and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

"How a Web Design Goes Straight to Hell"

It's a comic about how a web design goes straight to hell.

Honestly, it's pretty accurate. Check it out!

Top 5 Things I LOL About in Gas Stations

I wrote this in the car in a composition notebook (okay, so maybe it was the slam book...) after coming out of the filthiest gas station ever.

5. The signs on the walls always talk about hygienics, and washing your hands, and keeping healthy, but there's usually a rather visual fungus somewhere in the place.

4. The Coke is nestled between the Vault and the Bud Lite.

3. There are posters and flags adorning the walls to represent every losing team in that region of the country, but never any for good teams. (Note: more prominent in the middle of nowhere.)

2. The cashier (who is usually of a minority race) looks stoned probably 98% of the time.

And the number one thing I LOL about in gas stations...

is...

1. In the bathrooms, the flavored condoms are smack in between the 'orgasmic erection rings' and the tampons. You can one of any of those for 75 cents each.