There's This Guy

Okay, so there's this guy. Boos from audience. A random crowd member screams, "Give us some real news!" Oh, shut up, George. Anyways, the guy. Yeah. Oh, all right, I'll tell you about him, if you insist.

One time he asked, "Why are we the same person with different genders? And operating systems?" It stuck with me (obviously). Absolutely cracks me up. Because we really are eerily similar. I don't really know if they're deep similarities or superficial ones; I can never tell the difference (you know me, I can hack the shit out of your computer and dress to kill, but I can't- yet- understand the human mind). But we are similar on certain levels.

He gets my sense of humor. I don't have to explain the joke or defend myself after saying something snarky. Wanna know why? He's the same way. When I say something without thinking, he doesn't make me feel like I really should've thought that one all the way through, darling. No, he just lols or luls or whatever it is he's doing that day. And I appreciate that.

He makes me feel just right, intellectually speaking. I don't feel like a genius talking to him, but I don't feel like a moron, either. That's very important to me- I don't want to feel like an idiot when I'm talking to someone, but I don't want to have to explain every other word or thought process. And with him, it's neither of those. It's like for one of the first times ever- and I don't mean to sound like a bitch here or to be snippy towards anyone else- I'm talking to someone I think I can relate to. He's about my age and on a similar intellectual level, from what I can tell. That hasn't ever really happened before. It's quite fun.

He has plans for when the zombies come. Really? That's just fucking awesome. There is nothing as absolutely hawt as someone who could survive the motherfucking zombie apocalypse. 'Nuff said on that.

He doesn't seem to mind when I swear. At least, I don't think he does. Unless him telling me that his parents snoop on his computer so to keep it clean was a lie and he just doesn't like it when I swear. Hmm. Now I'm paranoid. (I watched the Matrix for the first time tonight- can you tell?)

He seems to genuinely want to talk to me. And that, my friend, is probably the most important thing of all. 'Cause I want to talk to him, too.

Fuckin' Baby Boomers

If I have to hear another word about Baby Boomers, I'll shoot someone. I hear about this generation everywhere. I mean this literally: everywhere. In the news. In casual conversation. In my textbooks.

I'm aware that they are influencing the economy. I'm aware that they are a large generation. But honestly, why are we obsessed with the elderly? I'm not saying they don't matter, but studies have proven that happiness actually increases throughout the sixties and into the eighties and beyond. They don't need for us to wait on them, hand and foot.

There are 75.8 million boomers (born from 1946-1964). Some of them probably haven't made it this far, so we'll round down to 67 million. The total US population is approximately 309,119,859. This means that boomers constitute a grand total of 21% of the population. My approximation of the number of adolescents (aged 10-18) is 38 million*. That means that the number of citizens born in an eighteen-year time period have only 1.99 times as many people (75.8/38) as those born in a short eight-year period, when really this number should be closer to 2.25 (18/8). 


All this math should prove to you a few things: a) I have way too much time on my hands, b) Baby Boomers are not that big of a deal, and we need to focus on those who have a higher number of people compared to the amount of time we gave them to be born, and c) I forgot what this was supposed to be, but if I only have two things to say, I'll look like a moron.

So there.

*I couldn't find any direct information on this (thanks, US Census!), but in 1993, there were approximately 31 million adolescents in the US. I plugged this number into a proportion comparing the US populations in 1990 and 2010.

Omegle Chat (2:55 AM)

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: damn that bitch was a whore

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Omegle Chat (2:53 AM)

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: im looking for a man to bend me over and treat me like a little slut

You: damn that bitch was a whore

You: wow.

Omegle Chat (2:52 AM)

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: damn that bitch was a whore

Stranger: i completely agree

You: i know!

You: such a bitch...

Stranger: did she fuck someone else?

Stranger: did the bitch fucking cheat on you?

You: no, it was the last person i talked to on omegle. fucking told me stop cussing.

Stranger: wow, what a cunt

You: i know! i mean, fuckin hell?

Stranger: exactly

Stranger: later homo

The Government Will Catch You Eventually, You Dumbass Terrorist

To slip through the only check against the no-fly list, the terrorist uses a stolen credit card to buy a ticket under a fake name. “Then you print a fake boarding pass with your real name on it and go to the airport. You give your real ID, and the fake boarding pass with your real name on it, to security. They’re checking the documents against each other. They’re not checking your name against the no-fly list—that was done on the airline’s computers. Once you’re through security, you rip up the fake boarding pass, and use the real boarding pass that has the name from the stolen credit card. Then you board the plane, because they’re not checking your name against your ID at boarding.”

What if you don’t know how to steal a credit card?

“Then you’re a stupid terrorist and the government will catch you,” he said.

What if you don’t know how to download a PDF of an actual boarding pass and alter it on a home computer?

“Then you’re a stupid terrorist and the government will catch you.”

The Truth

I believe the truth always lies halfway between the two most extreme claims. Sometimes, though, others have different opinions. Cartoon courtesy of XKCD. No, I can't promise this will be the last time I quote his hilarity.

Polyvore 'Brand' Filter Working Again

It's all cool again; Polyvore's brand filter is officially working.

I have absolutely no idea what was wrong- maybe it was maintenance? Humph.

Listening to 'Dental Care' by Owl City. It's probably one of the cutest, most amusing songs I have ever had the fortune to hear. And he's right about dentists... damn sadists.

Poll!

AAAHHH! How could I forget to mention that there's a new poll?

Well, there's a new poll. It's up until the end of this month. That means it's limited edition or some such thing. Which makes it important. (?)

Anyways, you should vote (if only because I included the Cedric option, and I like to see Twilight get a nice ass-whoopin').

Sudo vote. (All you hardcore XKCD fans should get a kick out of that one.)

Nuke is a Four-Letter Word

I have finally realized why the cookbook my grandmother gave me (peta's Vegan College Cookbook) entertains me so much more than the cookbook my stepmother gave me (Ok, So Now You're a Vegetarian). First off, peta's has much more of a 'hey, check this shit out!' feel, and tells jokes all the time. Ok, ... doesn't, and has this weird feel to it... I mean, look at the title. It's a bad title. I don't like it. And the part under it, 'from one teen to another,' just makes me want to hurl. People my age don't call each other 'teens.'

We call each other other names. Ones I'm not sure I should say ;)

Anyways, the reason is that- all right, I just noticed something else. The author of the second one? Her last name is Butts. Why would I want to eat food from recipes created with the last name Butts? Moving on.

The peta cookbook uses the word 'nuke' more than half the time to replace the traditional word, 'microwave.' As in, "nuke for 1 minute, or until cheese is melted." That word never fails to amuse me. Nuke, nuke, nukity nuke.

F-ing Hilarious Joke

No, seriously. One of my friends told me. Here it is:

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she says, "will God get mad at me if I give someone a valentine?"

Her father thinks for a moment, then replies. "No, I don't think he would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why him?" Melissa's father says, reeling back in shock.

"Well," Melissa says, "I thought if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, then he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved him and how he didn't hate anyone any more."

Her father's heart swells as he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard someone say."

"I know," Melissa says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can shoot the fucker and really kill him."

OMFG!

Oh. My. Freaking. Gloria.

You only have, like, two days left to vote on that poll! So get your skinny little butt over there (unless your rear is neither skinny nor little, in which case please apply the proper adjectives, if you get where I'm going with this).

But seriously. I wanna know. You're interesting, and I care about you and your opinions.

No, really ;)

Top Ten News Moments of 2009

5. Tiger Woods is a cheating bastard
4. Barack Obama accepts Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing
3. Farrah Fawcett dies
2. Michael Jackson dies

And the biggest news story of 2009... is...

1. So, wait... MJ didn't do it?!

Holy Son of a Biscuit!

 Santa's coming tonight, and he's bringing a bunch of crap presents with him! (Can I get a w00t, w00t!?) Have you been naughty or nice? ;)

I saw an old- no, ancient- Asian-looking woman in Publix today. She was wearing a bright green tee that said (in red letters adorned with mistletoe along the edges), "How naughty do you think I've been this year?"

I giggled and pointed this out to my grandmother. She leaned in and whispered, "Not very, I'd guess, with that hip replacement."

Sneaking Out

Last night, my friend Rachel and I snuck out (well, it's not really sneaking out if it's only, like, five- or eight). So, where did we go?

A) Michael's Craft Store

B) Staples

C) Walgreens

D) All of the above

Yes, we went to Michael's, Staples, and Walgreens.

We bought a bunch of candles, some lavender oil, and two 2010 calendars (hers was puppies, mine was M&Ms!) at Michael's, two composition notebooks that looked like Ravenclaw (for me) and Gryffindor (for her) colors at Staples, and two Cokes and two Snickers bars at the Walgreens.

The guy behind the counter at Walgreens was like, "Oh, are you two going to a movie tonight? Sneakin' in candy and Cokes?"

Instead of telling him the truth, I just nodded- which, apparently, confused Rachel. Oi! Don't hit me, Ray! Fine, fine, it made all the sense in the world to her. <--- Lies!

Funny Letter from a Housewife to Tide

Found this on the How Not to Act Old blog and, though it says not to, couldn't resist posting it up. Actually, it doesn't say anything about posting it on your blog, just emailing it around ;)

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my forties I find it even better!

About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were inconclusive and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Top 5 Things I LOL About in Gas Stations

I wrote this in the car in a composition notebook (okay, so maybe it was the slam book...) after coming out of the filthiest gas station ever.

5. The signs on the walls always talk about hygienics, and washing your hands, and keeping healthy, but there's usually a rather visual fungus somewhere in the place.

4. The Coke is nestled between the Vault and the Bud Lite.

3. There are posters and flags adorning the walls to represent every losing team in that region of the country, but never any for good teams. (Note: more prominent in the middle of nowhere.)

2. The cashier (who is usually of a minority race) looks stoned probably 98% of the time.

And the number one thing I LOL about in gas stations...

is...

1. In the bathrooms, the flavored condoms are smack in between the 'orgasmic erection rings' and the tampons. You can one of any of those for 75 cents each.