I Loathe Picture Day

I hate picture day with a fiery passion.

It's mostly with vanity in mind: I can't stand having a picture of myself I can't get rid of. I hate pictures of myself. I look terrible. I'm the least photogenic person one could ever possibly meet. It's just bad. With most pictures of me (taken by friends, family, or myself), I get a say in whether a photo is shown off or placed somewhere.

Not so in this case. This gets put in the yearbook, and if it looks terrible, you get one chance to make it up- and even if the second picture makes the horrible first photo look like a work of art, they'll still just put the second one in the yearbook.

No control, and I look like shit no matter what.

I loathe picture day.

I Imagine

I imagine what life will be like when I'm older, when I know what I want to do with my life, when I can buy a red futon and dark coffee because why the hell not, it's what I want to do and I'll do it because I can. I imagine what I'll be like, what He (because there's always a He with me) will be like, if maybe I already know who He is. Sometimes I hope I do, but then it snaps and falls and I desperately hope I don't.

But back to imagining.

I imagine what it will be like to have to work through the summer and not get a nice break every few months and to not be able to sit out by the pool all day. When I imagine that, I cry and I start to think that maybe Xeno had the right idea when he said he didn't intend to live past his 20s.

I imagine what it will be like to be fucked. To clutch a sweaty body, to be held tightly as... well, we all know how that works.

I imagine decorating my apartment. I imagine the little red futon and the shitty coffee maker. I imagine the view out over my little private Hell: suburbia. And I don't imagine that I'll mind, because it will be my place to call my own for as long as I keep paying the rent, my refuge from the real world.


I imagine... I imagine being just like I am now, only older. I imagine meeting, meeting a guy and thinking, "Oh my God, he's so amazing," and then, not falling, but absolutely crashing into love and then getting so worked up and analyzing what he says and doesn't say, and oh no we're still in the friend zone, and hating myself for being so inadequate that I plummet back out of love, only to discover later that maybe had I made the right move at the right time, everything would have turned out perfect. And I imagine wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I managed to mess it up like that.


I imagine sitting, alone but for a bottle, crying myself to sleep because nothing is turning out the way I want it to. I imagine reaching into my wallet in the checkout lane and realizing I don't have enough to pay for all these groceries and having to walk, ashamed, back and downsize the milk to a half-gallon and put back the Nutella and switch the cereal out for oatmeal. God, I hate oatmeal.


I imagine my dead-end job, drudgery of the worst sort.


I imagine not just not-fearing death, but welcoming it, crying out for it.


I imagine a boy with blue hair and a military jacket with peace symbols sewn on. I imagine getting offered a cigarette and politely declining. I imagine trading conspiracy theories, reminiscing about the "good old days," those days we never really thought we'd smile at. I imagine a slower development of emotional attachment, something genuine and fragile, but slowly strengthening.

I imagine a little house with a white couch. I imagine dying my hair blond for the hell of it, not caring about the looks I get or the snide remarks my mother aims toward me. I imagine getting a kitten for Christmas, a little Siamese baby. I imagine it nuzzling my hand.

I imagine a wood floor, a large mirror leaned against the wall. I imagine my feet are encased in ballet shoes and I'm teaching my four-year-old what I remember from my dance classes all those years ago. She doesn't like it. She wants to play basketball, Mommy. I imagine that would kill me.

I imagine now a beauty with flaming red hair and emerald eyes. She's forcing me against the wall, asking what the hell is wrong with me that I'm living like this. Her freckles stand out behind her badly-done fake tan.

I imagine my hair in a bun, brown again, the bland brown eyeshadow and mascara and not-quite-red lipstick. I imagine the pantsuit and the barely-there, 1.5-inch heels. I imagine that I've succumbed to life, that I haven't worn a skirt or dress in years. I imagine that I've missed so many soccer games my daughter hates me, and the worst part is that I don't care any more because the Prozac has finally kicked in.

I imagine sipping the coffee behind my desk at 10:30 PM, ignoring the frantic calls from my husband, the voicemails asking where I am. I imagine wondering if I should even go home. I practically live at the office anyways.

And then I imagine imagining running away. And I do it. I just up and fucking get on a plane and get out. Yeah, it's cruel, but they'll live without me for a few weeks. It won't be permanent, it'll just be until I get to be myself again. Then I can come home, claim temporary insanity, and everything will be fine again. Except it won't.

I wish when I imagine things I could see happy endings.

I See How It Is

I realized something interesting a few moments ago: none of the guys who have asked me out had to deal with my shit when we were growing up (like, in middle school when I was an even bigger bitch/antisocial super-nerd than I am now- I know, it seems impossible, but it's true!). None of them. Here's the laundry list:

1. He's in the grade below me. We met through a friend. He's asked me out twice now.
2. He's in my grade, but he moved here in the middle of my freshman year. Technically, he hasn't asked me out, but according to a few folks, he has a thing for me.
3. Also in my grade, but this one moved here the summer before sophomore year.
4. The grade below me. Friend of a friend. First real relationship. Ended recently. 'Nuff said, I do believe.

Blargh. I see how it is. Bitches.

Really Long Survey (over 200) Created by starsbleed2nite and taken 500684 times on Bzoink
What is your name?:	Artemis Black
Are you named after anyone?:	My grandmother
Would you name a child of yours after you?:	No
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?:	Not sure, but probably something nondescriptly cool like Mark or Paul
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?:	Marissa
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?:	Hahaha no
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?:	You better believe it
Basics
Your gender::	Chick
Straight/Gay/Bi::	Straight
Single?:	No
If not, do you want to be?:	Nope! I'm perfectly happy right now
Birthdate::	3/13/1996
Your age::	14, going on 15
Age you act::	23
Age you wish you were::	23
Your height::	5' 7.5"
Eye color::	Hazel
Happy with it?:	Yeah
Hair color::	Medium brown
Happy with it?:	Yes, but I'd dye it pink if I could get away with it
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous::	Righty, but I'd love to be ambidextrous and work on it when I remember to do so
Your living arrangement::	Live with my mother and step-dad
Your family::	Mother, father, step-dad, step-mom, four siblings, three step-siblings from mother's remarriage, a step-sibling from father's marriage, and a half-sibling from father's marriage
Have any pets?:	Two cats (Robert and Bootsy) at Mother's and a dog (Shadow) at Dad's
Whats your job?:	I float around. Sometimes I scan at my grandmother's office
Piercings?:	Ears
Tattoos?:	I wish
Obsessions?:	Harry Potter, computers
Addictions?:	Harry Potter, the internet
Do you speak another language?:	I'm in my second Spanish class- I want to become fluent
Have a favorite quote?:	"You can never be overdressed or overeducated." -Oscar Wilde
Do you have a webpage?:	http://www.insertcomplaininghere.blogspot.com/
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?:	I try to
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?:	I'm tolerant of the tolerant
Do you have any secrets?:	A few
Do you hate yourself?:	Rarely
Do you like your handwriting?:	Yes
Do you have any bad habits?:	Several
What is the compliment you get from most people?:	People tend to compliment my hair and waistline
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?:	I Loathe You, (Your Name Here)
Can you sing?:	I don't think so, but Marissa says I'm great
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?:	Uhm?
Are you a loner?:	Not really
What are your #1 priorities in life?:	To be the best at whatever I choose to do
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?:	Yes, but probably not /best/ friends
Are you a daredevil?:	Ha, no
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?:	I fear my temper and hate my self-pity
Are you passive or agressive?:	Passive-agressive!
Do you have a journal?:	I have a blog
What is your greatest strength and weakness?:	Strength? Intelligence and ability to think. Weakness? That stupid crying
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?:	Longer waist
Do you think you are emotionally strong?:	I'd love to say so, but no
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?:	A few things
Do you think life has been good so far?:	Generally speaking
What do you like the most about your body?:	Hair
And least?:	Upper lip
Do you think you are good looking?:	Fairly so
Are you confident?:	Sorta
What is the fictional character you are most like?:	Hermione Granger (from Harry Potter series)
Are you perceived wrongly?:	I think so
Do You...
Smoke?:	No
Read the newspaper?:	Online
Pray?:	Spontaneously
Go to church?:	Rarely
Talk to strangers who IM you?:	If they use proper grammar
Sleep with stuffed animals?:	Sometimes
Take walks in the rain?:	I /dance/ in the rain
Talk to people even though you hate them?:	Maybe
Drive?:	Not legally
Like to drive fast?:	OH GOD NO
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?:	Yes
Hurt yourself?:	Yes
Been out of the country?:	Yes- Canada, Mexico, Cayman Islands, Jamaica, Belize, Honduras, Costa Rica, and a brief airport stop in Panama
Eaten something that made other people sick?:	No
Been in love?:	Yes
Gone skinny dipping?:	No
Had a medical emergency?:	No
Had surgery?:	No
Ran away from home?:	No
Gotten beaten up?:	No
Beaten someone up?:	No
Been picked on?:	Yes
Been on stage?:	Yes
Slept outdoors?:	Yes
Thought about suicide?:	Yes
Pulled an all nighter?:	Yes
If yes, what is your record?:	Around 36 hours
Gone one day without food?:	Yes
Talked on the phone all night?:	No
Slept all day?:	Yes
Killed someone?:	No
Made out with a stranger?:	No
Kissed the same sex?:	No
Been betrayed?:	No
Had a dream that came true?:	Yes
Broken the law?:	Maaaaaybe
Met a famous person?:	Yes
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?:	No
On purpose?:	OH GOD NO
Stolen anything?:	Yes, and I hope the statute of limitations has run out
Been on radio/tv?:	No
Been in a mosh-pit?:	No
Had a nervous breakdown?:	Sorta
Bungee jumped?:	No
Had a dream that kept coming back?:	Yes
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?:	Yes
Miracles?:	Yes
Astrology?:	Yes
Magic?:	Sorta
God?:	Yes
Satan?:	Unfortunately
Santa?:	Nah
Ghosts?:	Yes
Luck?:	Yes
Love at first sight?:	I believe in attraction
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?:	Yes
Witches?:	In the Harry Potter sense? No
Easter bunny?:	LOL
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?:	Yes
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?:	Definitely
Do you wish on stars?:	All the time
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?:	Traditional view? No. Heaven and Hell? Yes
Do you think God has a gender?:	No
Do you believe in organized religion?:	I believe it exists, I just don't particularly care for it
Where do you think we go when we die?:	Wherever you think you'll go
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?:	Yes
Who is your best friend?:	I cannot choose
Your favourite inside joke?:	"I was just smelling your, uh... dictionary?"
Newest?:	Chloe
Shyest?:	I dunno
Funniest?:	Corbin
Sweetest?:	Jason
Closest?:	Rachel
Weirdest?:	Julianna
Smartest?:	Tyler
Ditziest?:	Jennie
Friends you miss being close to the most?:	Tyler
Last person you talked to online?:	Marissa
Who do you talk to most online?:	Either Marissa or Grayson
Who are you on the phone with most?:	Calling? Katie. Texting? Jason
Who do you trust most?:	Rachel and Katie
Who listens to your problems?:	... Katie
Who do you fight most with?:	Rachel, but it's all faux-fighting
Do you always feel understood?:	Sometimes
Do you trust others easily?:	Not really
Do your friends know you?:	I think so
Friend that lives farthest away::	Malik
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?:	Not at all
What do you find romantic?:	Anything can be romantic with the right person
Turn-on?:	Sense of humour, music, lips
Turn-off?:	Ignorance, dressing like a gangsta
First kiss?:	Not yet
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?:	Guilty
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going:	I prefer to know them
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out:	Kinda
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv:	Yes
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?:	I like to think so
What is best about the opposite sex?:	Sense of humour
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?:	General lack of decent communication skills
Are you in love?:	Yes
Do you consider your significant other hot?:	YES.
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?:	I don't know his name, but he's in my mother's closet
You wanted to kill?:	Prestwich
That you laughed at?:	Don't remember
That laughed at you?:	Also don't remember
That turned you on?:	... You don't need/want to know.
You went shopping with?:	Katie
That broke your heart?:	Jason (but he fixed it right back up!)
To disappoint you?:	I don't know
To ask you out?:	Jason
To make you cry?:	Jason (unwittingly, of course)
To brighten up your day?:	Jason (again- probably unwittingly)
That you thought about?:	... Jason
You saw a movie with?:	Katie and Jonathon
You talked to on the phone?:	Katie
You talked to through IM/ICQ?:	Marissa
You saw?:	Huh?
You lost?:	Papa John
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?:	Not at the moment
Will it be with your significant other?:	Not right at this moment
Or some random person?:	NOT RIGHT NOW
What are you wearing right now?:	Cardigan, tank top, jeans, ballet flats
What are you worried about right now?:	My pants
What book are you reading?:	My Spanish textbook, Don Quixote, and Stephen King's IT
Are you bored?:	Incredibly so
Are you tired?:	A little
Are you talking to anyone online?:	On and off
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?:	No
Are you lonely or content?:	Content
Are you listening to music?:	I wish I was
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey